So I was gonna do 1 of those end o the year status's in review things and a couple things popped out of interest. This was the year I made a total leap from net privacy to net transparency. Kind of like reverse psychology for the government. If my job was to sit down and figure me out through my net activities...A)you lucky motherfucker, B)good luck, C)HAHAHAHAH
So thru the miracle of Facebook Timeline, I have traveled back into this year's past and remembered all sorts of moments that I have forgotten about. It made me realize I love the fuck out of the lot of you as well. So with that, expect a short lil random sampling of my years best. Mind you that I had over 1700 posts this year, so you'll be lucky to see .03% of that in this upcoming roundup.
In no particular order but by month and only a random picking from each (I DARE someone to actually read all these off my facebook and find me their top 10. PLEASE!!) ...
just watched the most sultry bachelorette party erupt in the middle of linkin parks pre show martini fiasco in a hotel bar all the while we play grand piano. the frost festival has yet to even begin and i raged enough for four people as is.
What's going on in Egypt is revolting.
Over the years, I've noticed that most of my problems contain molecules.
All the world's problems could be solved w a few strategic dance-offs. Rumor has it Putin does a wicked Running Man & Cheney the "Carlton"
If you were stranded on an island and could only bring one gaga album, how would you kill yourself?
Try something spontaneous today, like combustion
If God really does live inside me I hope he's in the mood for pot smoke and jäger. #causethatswhathesgettin
Just bummed a cigarette from a guy wearing a diaper and a gold blazer. My life's not as good as it could be. #jealous
my spirirt animal is a broke down casio keyboard
gonna make a facebook app called 'which world leader are you?' and regardless of how you answer everybody gets hitler
In ancient times, when water was too precious to spare, firemen used insults & threats to intimidate the flames.
I bet if society collapsed, Batman would be seen as a historical figure sainted by the Catholic Church within 200 years
"I have a dreamsicle!" -Martin Luther Kingsicle
FACT: "Et tu, Brute" is latin for "That's how you're gonna play me, Homie?"
Want to be tough, but also show your soft side? Become a drug snuggler. #nuglife
Be responsible and conscious of the choices you make. A moment of love directed to the physical plane of existence in which you dwell outweighs many bad decisions directed towards it.
I just watched an epileptic with a lisp fly a kite indoors. I couldn't even make this up
If a girl is puking I will always hold her hair back. That way I can aim her head and use her as a vomit gun. #chuglife
We're bombing another country in the Middle East? Yawn.
Smoking a blunt in honor of the Royal wedding. You may now refer to me as your Royal Highness. #nuglife
You call them "pajamas." I call it a "Walmart Tuxedo."
God. Right-Click. Save: TheQueen.doc #RoyalWedding #LifeHacks #CorruptFileSave
If I die in these tornadoes tonight, say it was autoerotic asphyxiation or something. Anything but that I died a redneck death. #dothetwist
Wiping your ass and finding no shit on the toilet paper is equal to a Flawless Victory in Mortal Kombat.
Once evolution gets around to it, it's going to be an awkward few months for the first dude born without nipples. #motorboatTHAT
Don't call me lazy unless you've walked a couple of steps in my flip-flops.
Life never prepares you for walking in on your dad sitting in the tub surrounded by candles and listening to Wham's "careless whisper."
Remember when we had to put film in cameras? We were such stupid fucking assholes.
Woke atop a hayrick with the legs of my pants knotted around my throat & 8 empty wine bottles dangling between my toes. Best. Rapture. Ever.
If you haven't been raptured yet it's probably because at one point in your life you thought crocs were okay to wear
Despite what you have heard, AEROSMITH will not be performing "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" at todays OPENING RAPTURE CEREMONIES in NYC at 12PM
BECAUSE OF CONSTRUCTION, some parts of the MIDWEST could be facing up to a Two Hour Delay for the #RAPTURE TOMORROW, tune to 1600AM for info
So does anyone know if I should bring my tomato plants in for the Rapture? #iftheworldendsonsaturday
Given a choice between Rapture and "Rap Shore" (a Jersey Shore spinoff about Mike The Situation's rap career) I CHOOSE ZOMBIE DEATH EVERY TIME
RIP Randy "Macho Man" Savage. My heart goes out to all members of the dried-meat and fake-beating-people-up industries
I bet Jesus would listen to more of wat i got to say than you guys. wait till he gets here. nothin like a wingman who can water walk
"I like big butts and I cannot lie." ~Homeless smokers. #bumlife
I'm convinced McDonalds holds the key to zero point energy by the way I shit a metric ton after eating only a quarter pound.
The T-shirt cannon is an American invention because we're the only ones who would try to figure out how to shoot casual clothing from a gun.
Watching a 2-hr documentary about cheerleaders and crying because I'll never be that light and throwable. Just another thursday over here
Star wars themed hot dog cart: The Admiral Snackbar.
hey websites, don't worry about me
I'll accept the fuck out of yer terms and conditions
They drilled two holes into my concrete tomb: one right above my mouth to prevent suffocation and another near my arm so my body could be kept alive through IV feeding. I couldn't die even if I wanted to
I devote way too much time trying to figure out a way for Wolverine and Rogue to have sex.
"Okay now, finger your G string." -me teaching a student to tune his guitar
i been shitting in every abercrombie dressing room i can find and aint NOTHING changin!
The internet is a Rube Goldberg machine for the end of humanity
if you want to know how it feels to be white trash let yourself run out of toilet paper & see what decisions you make
One time I did so much angel dust, I heard Fred Schneider from the B-52s narrate everything I did for the next week
i am going to take a turtle on a roller coaster and blow his fucking mind
i bet every time sir mix-a-lot goes into a bakery the anaconda around his neck whisper hisses "i don't want none unless they got buns son."
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I've ever made
I believe in the American dream: to one day build a nipple on the moon so it looks like a giant boob
Wonder how I can get a hold of Casey Anthony so I can offer my expertise in finding the real killers
Typing "Two girls, one..." into Google and clicking "Feeling Lucky?" is as close as I'll ever come to playing Russian Roulette
Think about the sunset from the sun's point of view
Before selling your soul, ask Satan whether he has any coupons or gift cards. Otherwise the manager has to come over and it's a whole thing.
I got hold of a leaked Mayan document pertaining to our final hours. The last thing we'll be served prior to processing is spaghettini.
MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
Dude, if you turn the spaceship lights on and off, they'll think we're an airplane." - Smartest alien ever
Just made me a killer sandwich.
Sprayed mustard gas on it
Every time I get pulled over for speeding, I play the race card. It's a piece of paper I hand over that says "Wanna race?"
Then I take off.
The perfect kiss and the perfect high five are indistinguishable emotionally.
"If laughter is the best medicine, make a medicine that makes people laugh.
It's like I have to think of everything.
Never mix LSD with Cocaine. The last thing you want with a hallucinogen is confidence.
She said: Do u buy ur pants on sale?....cuz at my house they would be 100% off
PROTIP:Never play Leapfrog with a priest.
I bet if there was a foursquare in the 50s there would be a lot of ladies ousting each other as the mayor of the kitchen.
"Here, throw this away for me." ~ People who hand out leaflets
If you're a policeman and need a last-second Halloween costume, just add a mustache and BOOM! Sheriff.
I once pooped in my hand and smeared it on my face while making whale noises to distract people from the fact that I was walking out of a Hollister
It's weird that people need a holiday to dress in costumes & get drunk. It's just a normal weeknight for me
learned just enough magic so I can make religious pamphlets appear to burst into flames in my hands.
Oh man, I just had four E's and LSD
Worst start to a scrabble game ever
I make jokes at my own expense so often that now I'm completely broke.
Candy idea: Chocolate Nerds. They can call them Urkels.
Diarrhea: Same day, different shit.
The fact that there isn't a brand of crackers called Cracka Ass Crackers really makes me lose faith in black entrepreneurial spirit
One of the few memories I have of 1st grade.
A cop came in to give us a speech on some crap and my friend asked "Do cops really love donuts?"
He said "EVERYONE loves donuts!"
Then he gave us all donuts.
Then he tazed & pepper sprayed us
My buddy's mom is Scottish. He tells the story of this one time his dad was sitting at a picnic table wearing shorts, no underwear, with his bits hanging out. His mom says (with the accent) "Achhh Bernie, I cansee your breakfast!
Sometimes I pretend I'm dead to see if my cat goes to get help but it never does
Show me a guy with an ironed shirt, and I'll show you a guy who spends his evenings cataloguing female body parts in his walk-in freezer
Fun idea: Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.
On your return ask where your child is.
I have a really hard time letting go of things
.....according to my Top 8 friends on myspace.
If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.
The same can be said w dj's in training.
The Holiday Inn is just a crime scene with Wi-Fi.
One day I want to walk into a bank and yell, "Everybody get down!" then give an award to the best dancer.
Do you know where I can find one of the Mayan calendars? I hear they're going out of print next year
Tips For Living in The End Times: Seriously, just stock the fuck up on all sorts of shanks. Shanking is gonna get huge
"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees!" cried the revolutionary.
"That's what Che said," whispered his comrade.
Black Lucky Charms are magically suspicious.
If nobody ever told Emily Dickinson "Yo Emily, let me get my dick in, son!" they really missed a golden opportunity.